aymeeterada_x's Datingish

Sacrifice..

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:36:55 GMT

where can i start?

on the 25th May, we had prom...
and i took David* as my date.
At the after party, we kissed.
He left me and hooked up with another girl and then left the club with her.
God knows what they've done.. he said they didn't do anything and there's no point in lying but I still feel they did more.
she is the biggest slut in school who is hated by everybody because it was not her first time getting with someone's man... ignoring their emotions or the consequences... and ignoring apology as a strength.

on the 1st of June, i went to Spain with my 4 girl friends and stayed around for about 10 days..
during those 10 days, I realized that as much as we hurt eachother, maybe it was best to give it another go.

when i came back, it was great... but after a few days, I wondered whether this was right.

I did something bad, he did something bad...
we were together because I sacrificed my freedom by letting him stay in my house, in my heart
we were together because we both wanted it.

But... I am the girl who never forgives anyone for cheating, or decieving behind me or my friend's back.
Once I've dealt through the worst... (the crying, the rage, the hatred) in the relationship, I know it's the end and my feelings are left there...

Thats why I'm wondering whether if it's right that we're together again...
He's doing everything he can to make me smile, but after that time fades, I feel as though I have moved on...
When you are in love, you feel like you are in that moment,
When you are done, you feel like you are in another place.. another world. you don't feel love, you want to feel it but you feel the need of a new air... new beginnings...

Timing and Trust

Sat, 09 May 2009 18:18:46 GMT

I had the most relaxing day today... After sitting 6 exams, I feel kinda happy that I got over the two worst subjects...

I need to let this one thing out...
Some stuff are said in the earlier post

Last night, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my ex-boyfriend...
After sending horrible text messages to him a few nights ago for being angry and confused about him... He said he wanted to talk to me about it...

I told him the truth, the absolute truth from my heart...
For once, I was over-whelmed by this feeling, I couldn't stop crying.
Have you ever felt anger, confusion and happiness at the same time?
If not, good... it's a feeling you want to cry out for about 3 hours.
& I personally think crying is a sign of weakness :(

Well, here I go:
For the first 10 months of our relationship, I never felt so happy, secure and loved by anyone in my life...
I could taste food so well and would crave for more because his cooking was amazing,
I could feel the love and spark between us, I never felt it so strong that I wouldn't turn away to ask myself if it was right
I could see the colours of love, the mood of love and the different scenes of it.
I just loved everything about it...
Even though we had our bad times, all I couuld remember about those first 10 months was purely based on Love.

Honestly, I'm not just saying that about what we had as if it's some sort of fairy tale... to me it was like that but I mean, my mother used me as a punching bag, and my father neglected me until he made a life-changing decision...
My childish ex boyfriends... are you kidding? half of them didn't know how to treat a girl so I knew this thing between me and Anthony was real...
Until, he moved in with me from getting kicked out of his own home... by his father.
I took him in because I thought I knew him enough that he won't be someone else and also because I knew exactly how he felt: he needed support and to put his love and trust in.
I did it out of love, to show him the appreciation I owed.

At first, ofcourse, it was absolutely amazing... It was all new so you feel double of everything.
But it just started fading, because he started to create his own little world at my house...
All of a sudden, it felt like he was pulling up his guard on me... I don't even know why he would do that.

blablabla, So moving on.

I just wanted him to know that those 8 months of him living with me was just getting worse and worse...
He started creating his own world, escaping from reality.. At first I thought it was only temporary insanity but it just got worse and worse as he started drifting away from the real world.
Ofcourse he would be able to get out of the real world... he doesn't go to school, my dad pays for food and transportation, what does he need to care about?
Yeah I thought the answer to that would easily be: Me. But i was just so wrong.
I told him that I felt so unloved by him that at one point, i thought he didn't love me anymore but couldn't break it off with me because that would mean to move out and to move back with his dad...
Well, the first part was true and the second part? he said he felt that he couldn't love me "as much" because I was always stressing at him... That for my reason was WRONG TIMING.

At school, I would get so much shit from my teachers about anything... just because I felt effortless for the sleepless nights I had to comfort Anthony, I had no time for myself.
With my friends, two of my best friends were telling me I should either slap him to reality or dump him and move on... Ofcourse, loving him to bits, I would give him the time to come back and be himself again...
But as time went by, he literally became a no body to me... I felt so alone.
The worst part was... the "paparazzi friends", the ones who gossip.
I used school as an escape to my problems at home, but whenever someone... ANYONE asked (exact words) "so what does anthony do these days?" , my heart would drop, my face turns grey and I feel so depressed because that wasn't reality for me...

You know, when you had a rough day at school or work, Home would be a nice place to relax and take out your emotions, right? Well, I couldn't even have that space because I had to think and worry about someone else's feelings... and that person happened to be the one who just kept escaping, treating me badly and worse, supposed to love me... So I pretended I was angry for other reasons when really it was him...

One lesson at school, my teacher was being so supportive of me and convinced me (along with a few of my closest friends) to talk Anthony about getting a job just to get out of the house ( instead of being on the computer where he would just escape to his own world) and be apart of something.
Even though apart of me thought this would get thrown back at me instead of being locked in his head, I pulled up the courage to speak to him.
He yelled at me, accused me, calling me names... literally said that I only wanted that so he could stop using my dad's money... Well, partially yes I wanted that but I didn't want him to stay indoors all day and night... It made me depressed.

He just stopped caring about me. I told him that.
Whatever came out of my mouth, would go in one ear and out the other...
He would put the smallest effort for about 1-3 days, and then return to his own world.. like a crab.
It really hurt me because I thought he would stop all this and just put more and more effort.
I thought when he did put the effort, I felt really happy that he was his oldself again... wow, how much betrayal I felt when he did it to me 4 times in a row.

I felt so alone,
I felt like I was with no body,
The one person I trusted to love and cherish me...
couldn't even put the slightest effort even after sitting down and talking to him about it from my heart 3 or 4 times.

You think at this point, no one deserves to be this hurt and fucked up but this is what love does to you.
You can't lie about it.
Yes, I cried myself to sleep...
I even stayed out for about 2 more hours after my tuition lessons just to feel the space... but it was just never the same.

Thats why this verbal cheating happened.
I guess you could say I was desperate for feeling appreciated and needed
but honestly this guy just happened to be there, we flirted a lot and it just became raunchy.
I could've stopped, but I don't even know why I didn't.

I told him all of this, and to be honest, I thought he would (like the times when he would effortlessly cherish me for 3 days max, and then go back to his own world) pity me and walk away... you know he did tell me when he put the "effort" for those days, it was because he felt he had to not because he wanted to... How fucking hurtful.
You know what else was so hurtful? He thought the whole time, my father was putting the effort to make him feel as secure as possible... but in reality, it was all me... I could've told him but I didn't want to because I knew he wouldn't take it in... Because he made so many points which my dad did...
My father only did those things because I was the one who asked him to.
I asked him whether Anthony could have some money for clothes; or just to borrow some from him so he wouldn't have to buy... I know I could've told him that it was all me, but why should I when he was SO convinced it was all thanks to my dad... Anthony thought of giving my dad presents to thank him... and none for me... that fucking hurt SO much.

But no, he was back to his old self... the one I fell for.

He took in every word I said, and analysed it carefully...
He was being VERY caring and the best part was, he stayed by my side [no matter how much I was telling him to not hug me]; cuddled up to me, making me feel secure and tried to pull the effort to make me feel better in any way.

I felt the spark again.
I felt that love for him again...

The thing is, I don't know whether I could trust him not to betray my:
- love (by running back to his own world);
- support (instead of my dad taking the credit)
- belief (that I won't be treated that way ever again)

and also, I'll be off to Spain on the first of June... i'll come back on the 10th and leave again on the 23rd...to Australia
So I don't know whether I should ask him back or... Leave it and wait til July...
Maybe this space is good.
like REALLY good.

But I love him so much, that I can't slip that away...
My HK best friend said that she regrets slipping her guy away...
I don't want that.
It already happened to me once...

I dont know what to do...

Main Course: BITCHING ABOUT EXs

Mon, 04 May 2009 14:54:58 GMT

Wow, it has been a while since I've written...
So much has happened...

Before I write anything, I want to say that I am the most needy person...
I need attention
I need to feel needed...
it's a horrible thing...

OK, My boyfriend of one year and six month (who got kicked out of his own home moved in with me 8 months ago because I thought it would be a very nice thing to bring a troubled person especially whom I'm dating to be a part of my life...and my father was being supportive about this) dumped me on the 14th of April, accusing me of verbally cheating on him... I don't see it as verbal cheating when all I was doing is flirting with the guy... but then again, it kinda got really raunchy, talking about sex and stuff... I'm a girl, I have my reasons to this... maybe it's a little bias or unreasonable...oh well!
As soon as he moved in, he stopped acting the way he did when we weren't living together,
He wasn't as affectionate, loving, caring, reassuring... those exact words, it described our relationship
It confused me for a while... I only thought it was temporary and guessed it was worth a while to wait until he got back to himself... but he NEVER did.. I eventualy told him a few many times that he just stopped showing me affection... and those few many times were heart-to-heart discussions... At this point, it may seem like he's using me, but I didn't want to believe that.
Not only did he stop showing affection, but he put a lot of pressure on me which affected my hormone balance and stress... I couldn't cope with this and school at the same time, as I started flunking my subjects. It was very embarassing.
The reason why I let him in was obvious, through Love. I loved him enough to maybe be "assured" that he won't change his behaviour... Though as soon as he moved in, his attention was drawn to escaping from reality... He was so far back in his own world, I couldn't just let go of him and make him suffer on his own... yet I didn't get what I wanted (even though we had this discussion many many times), so I thought I would just flirt with a few guys as a temporary state to keep me happy that I was still appreciated...

His father stopped paying for his school fees and kicked him out of the house, I couldn't do anything but wait... but I'm not patient like most girls...
I tried to get him on his feet when I asked him to get off the computer and go out and play sports, breathe some fresh air or even better... stop scabbing money off me and my father and get a job...
I love him to bits but I can't just let him be a spoilt little brat all his life!
That touch of reality didn't hit him at all...

After him finding out about my "verbal cheating" and throwing a tantrum by breaking my door, keeping me locked in for about 2 hours... he still didn't see the reality.
It was only a 10+days later, when i told him I was completely fed up with his attitude towards me, he realized how much I was doing for him..

My father said that I was responsible for him and that I should be shaping him up to reality... if I wanted to kick him out, I should... His exact words were "His words and his actions have a very big gap in it... I want you to fix it"

Oh well, I'm single now...
oh another thing...

Tonight, after talking to a close friend of mine about his blog being rather soffisticated, I decided to look for my own. I searched Bloggers.com but couldn't find any so I thought I'd jump to Xanga... I found out I had 5 accounts. So after spending an hour deleting those, I came around to the oldest xanga which made me piss myself with laughter.
It was literally my ex-ex-ex boyfriend, David Shrine... I swear I can see how obsessive I was over a guy.
I had a vague understanding of "Love".. and thought it was really hard to feel because people were so unrealistic about it, but looking back, it was probably because I was so immature about it.
I know what love is now, I've been through the hardship of all the emotions you can feel in it (like a package haha) and it's not easy at all. It's like a trap where you can easily fall into, and realise that you're gonna be stuck in there until one of you try to get out by hurting the other.
As I kept flicking through the endless blogs about my ex boyfriend being so wonderful, making me feel so much love? I've come to realize that those feelings were just a taste of what was to come, which was ofcourse, my most recent boyfriend...
How stupid I was for openly discussing it through a Blog... it's hysterical, it's a humiliation!
I can't even write that much bullshit about howmuch Anthony makes me feel every day because I DON'T NEED TO.
I feel it, He knows it, you guy's see it, WHY BOTHER WRITING HOW GREAT A GUY IS.
he's just going to walk away from your life anyway, why waste all that effort typing, and more time between the relationship!
ah... This is just humorous.
I just had this thought of being happy, but reading it... gives me a whole new perspective.

Well, Moving on, I also found out the day I realized I should loudly speak my thoughts about my depression... aobut those girls who made my life a living hell... and I have come to realize that I have started my depression on around about APril-May 2005...

After reading the depressing note, I decided to keep my xanga as a "time machine", to come back and read my old posts haha

will update soon :)

re-using this web.

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:12:36 GMT

Well... this is my first post, so I'm not sure who would be reading this...
either no one or... a few.
I just need a place on the web somewhere to pour out my frustrasion, depression, excitement, memory etc etc... so i chose this place. good choice? we'll see.

My name is Aymee Terada
I'm 17 and currently in a very long relationship.
My parents are seperated and right now I live with my father.
I have a brother of 12 years
My childhood was a wreck... i won't go into any detail now since this is not the reason why I'm writing an entry

(the shot on the left is the only pic of me without my face - i know it's a little dodgy but it's better than nothing, right?)

Each entry would be about a part of my life...
& today i want to talk about myself, my personality and my background.

From the age of 4 'til 16, i was physically; emotionally and verbally abused by my alcoholic, chain smoking mother and was neglected by my father who abused me a few times.
Every day, I will come home and the first thing my mother did was ignore me
until dinner time, she would start drinking and criticize me for anything and everything.
- my looks
- my personality
- my friends

she never gave me what i wanted... I had to get it myself.
If i wanted an iPod, she'd slap me.

she called me fat when i only weigh 40kg (and i'm 5"4 so that makes me underweight)
she criticized my friends... and so i became friends with people who cut themselves and think about death 24/7
she told me she wished i was never born or trashed me out of her life when she had the chance to... she said i should just commit suicide to make her life easier...

physically...
man, where do i start :(
the first time she kicked me out of the house, she pulled my hair and bashed my head on the table... i left the house to go to my best friend's (who's a guy) and she left me 200 calls. (no joke)

i remember she got my acoustic guitar and used to knob part to hit me...
got scissors and said she'd stab me with it...
ripped up a shirt my friend gave me and said she'd strangle me to death...
i ran out of the house and she told me to never come back.
i went to my other friend's house for a week...
I felt safer but i came back thinking things would've changed...
no, it didn't.

honestly, i don't know why she thought that about me?
I deobeyed her because her whole attitude towards me was hatred...
and towards my brother? oh gosh, it's not even close to "dislike"

My father on the other hand was never at home, so he would take my mother's side...
even after many times i confessed to my father that my mom is an alcoholic... he denied and neglected me even more...

One time, my father got angry at me (i dont remember why) and he threw my stuff away...
My mom was very happy about the fact that the whole family was against me... even my brother.

My dad did abuse me once... but he regretful about it and apologized a lot.
he promised never to do it again...
he hasn't once.

Many times my mother abused me because i was on the computer, i would come to school with bruises

School was a nightmare.
i was bullied by girls in my class.
my teachers thought i was a messed up kid and blamed me for things i have NEVER done...

I've had boyfriends...
but they all betrayed my trust.

After we moved houses in 2007, my dad finally saw what was going on in the household.
my mother abused me infront of my father and he decided on a divorced and confessed that he had been feeling trapped by my mother.

i was crying because a part of me wished this happened earlier but the other side just wanted a family... which she never had.

Yes, I have depression because of all this.

ok, i don't want to talk anymore :(